Yvette Ulloa

How Mind-Shaming Can Destroy Your Life

How mind-shaming can destroy your life

7 years ago I encountered the toughest crisis in my life, and I learned that I needed to heal multiple parts of my life. Old trauma, old experiences, difficult things that I was learning to release. I was healing physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I had already started to manifest a huge miracle. What science said was incurable, a rare, supposedly “incurable” tumor in my jaw,

I started seeking treatment outside the US, and I began to see a miracle. In 8 weeks we shrunk the tumor 33% which they said would be impossible. Because my diagnosis of ameloblastoma was not one to ever revert.

So I did the unthinkable. I moved to Brazil to finish this healing marathon. My husband and I sold everything we had. We left it all behind. Donated it, gave it away, sold it, you name it. With eight suitcases and two small dogs, we embarked on the most uncertain journey of a lifetime.

Have you ever taken some big chances and not known what the outcome would be? We knew it would either work and I would heal 100%, or we would be re-routed to that horrific surgery they were recommending. While in Brazil, our seven-pound morkie and chihuahua mix dogs got very sick, having a difficult time adjusting to a whole new environment: fire ants, wasps and crazy rain storms, things they never experienced before. This ended up in all of us experiencing a much higher amount of stress than usual. Even though I’ve been on this really healthy food kick through my healing, adjusting to a new country, my dogs getting sick and a few other factors contributed to higher amounts of stress. Stress = overwhelm = worry. Worry led me to seek comfort, comfort led me to a yummy Brazilian pastry or two, or maybe a yummy bowl of stress-relieving asahi, which I shouldn’t have had.

Have you ever been there?

I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have. But I did. I knew the right thing to do. And still I didn’t do it. Maybe I did it 80% of the time which is still great. But what I didn’t really notice was that there was this new pattern showing up, or perhaps it was old but just came to my surface, a hidden “blind spot” and all happening at the very subconscious level, I was mind-shaming myself!

I was literally attacking my own self with my very judgmental words. “You shouldn’t have done that. Why in the heck would you eat unhealthy. You know better than that. You’re disappointing me and everyone. You’re letting me down.” Those cruel words that I would never say to someone I love were hammering my mind and soul and hurting at the deepest level.

Until I went to my very wise chiropractor, I didn’t realize how much body and mind-shaming was going on inside my mind. He pointed it out based on a couple questions I had for him and my treatment that day. It was a huge discovery – “there is unspoken shame and anger in your body.” But wait – I have done so much work on myself why is this showing up still? How many layers of the onion do I need to peel still? When will I be done?

And then I realized it. We all have blind spots. I’m very positive and always so loving. Specially to others. And I thought I was to myself too. But wait — maybe not? So many questions. So little time. So much buried in my mind trying to get out.

But like one of my mentors, Allison Armstrong, author of my favorite book Queen’s Code, describes her, we all have an “ideal woman” voice in our heads that’s constantly judging us, criticizing us, pointing to us our faults. This little voice inside that is not even consistent, but we tend to listen to her and allow her to influence us. The ideal woman only gives the “advice of the hour” and it changes with every new factor that shows up. It’s never consistent and yet we listen to her and allow her to influence our decisions?

I didn’t realize how much I was self-judging and criticizing myself because it was happening at the deepest subconscious level and I knew these self-punishing words were affecting my healing at the deepest level.

Deep breath.

Reset.

Another deep breath.

Bless and Release.

Open my Heart.

Trust Deeper.

I had to let this pattern go. I watched the movie “A Beautiful Life” that night. It so inspired me to take my words, thoughts and actions to a new level, regardless of what was going on behind the scenes. Like the resonating words of John Assaraf from the movie The Secret. He taught me that when I catch myself having negative thoughts, I need to turn A.N.T.S (automatic negative thoughts) to A.P.T.S (automatic positive thoughts). I put an item in my calendar as a daily reminder to turn ANTS to APTS.

Or — take myself on a gratitude walk and I speak in my mind things I’m grateful for: the trees, the birds, the pavement I walk on. Whatever I see around me, start there — as I may not feel too grateful for much at the present moment. This automatically helps turn the guilt, fear, shame to gratitude and love. And that is where healing happens. That is where creativity happens. That is where joy is born. That is where happiness flows.

Or — meditate. And quiet my mind. And receive inspiration from above. Connect to God. Receive. Ask. Listen.

As I’m more advanced and getting close to completing my healing journey still, I’ve been told by the doctors that I’m in the last mile of a long, long marathon. That if everything continues to work the way it has, I will be completely healed in a short time frame. Hopefully less than a year. But hey if it takes more, that’s part of my miracle and I embrace it. I have nothing but gratitude, even for these moments of pause, stress and inspiration. For each hiccup and obstacle has brought me to a new lesson and a new horizon. Which in turn made me better and helped me continue to manifest this miracle, as well as share with others the healing and lessons that show up to inspire me along the way.

My soul is grateful that I’m learning to quiet my “ideal woman”, that silent melodrama that nobody is watching, and that doesn’t serve me, or the world. However, I’m also learning to be grateful for my ideal woman, for she shows me the shadows in my life, parts of me that I’ve ignored or made wrong. For without this shadow, I wouldn’t be able to see the light. My mentor once said to me, if you want to change the world, you have to start by cleaning your own bedroom. And you must turn on the light in your bedroom to see where the mess is that needs to be cleaned up.

Onward we go, with nothing but an intention of grace and a miracle.

And a life rewritten along the way.

Every step you take, you get to rewrite your future. Enjoy the process my sisters, the gift is in the journey.

I love you…

xxoo

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